"Well, it's been a year. And I ain't sayin' it ain't been a good one. It's been 365 record lows and record highs."
Ok, that's lyrics to a song if you didn't know and as a former English teacher I feel like I need to say that since I absolutely hate the word ain't.
Anyway, let's chat about 2023, shall we?
This year started out like any other. I began with professional goals, financial goals, and travel goals. I walked into 2023 thinking, as I tended to always think, that I was in control. Quickly into 2023 however, I was humbled and discovered there is actually very little I am in control of.
I have always been a "good girl" a Christian girl who knew right from wrong and went to church and did things the way I was supposed to do them. I'm the oldest and an Enneagram 8; this basically means I like to be in charge, have no problem with confrontation, and typically do not struggle with confidence. 2023 reshaped everything I am in the very best, but hardest way.
Long story short, 2023 brought me to my knees. I have prayed, cried, and rested (forcefully) more this year than ever before. I have considered quitting photography multiple times and fully given my future to Jesus (which was likely the point of all of this). I have said no thank you to weddings, photoshoots, and meetings and learned so much about myself and who I am when the camera is not in my hand.
In January I opened Learn With Kelli and I won't lie, fully expected it to be a huge success almost immediately. I knew what I had to offer would change the lives of so many photographers and I knew that above every skill I have, teaching is at the top of my abilities. I did what all the influencers and business coaches said to do, I created the courses, ran the ads, showed up on social, gave away my work for free, AND..... crickets.
Week after week I would spend more than I made.
Week after week I would log on to no new followers and very little traffic on my website.
Sure I could book mini-sessions but the truth is, I have been doing this for 15 years and although I am SO THANKFUL for my locals who have kept me in business, I wanted to expand and in typical Kelli fashion, wanted that to work immediately.
This pattern continued into February and March leaving me very anxious and discouraged. In March, I began having chest pains, then shoulder pains, then a twitch above my left eye that was followed by extreme pain. The shoulder got worse, to the point that putting on a coat brought tears to my eyes. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't rest. I couldn't work fast enough.
Something had to give. My body was rejecting my workaholic tendencies. Literally. I was going to die if I kept going.
In April I took off of all social media and got real serious about listening to God and what He wanted for me. I heard so many things but the one I grabbed onto the most was, "you're safe to rest now."
I felt like I needed to get current with my goals and business plans and that's essentially what I spent the rest of the year doing and each time I thought things were looking up I got sick or hurt again.
This year was completely filled with doctor appointments, waiting on MRI results, driving to specialists, waiting for months to hear something, and basically feeling like very few people even took me seriously. At one point I couldn't workout at all. I gained 10 lbs and my confidence was at zero. When I got stressed my body was consumed and I described it as a "weighted blanket of pain."
It's amazing how very little matters when your health seems to be falling apart.
In August I hit a low when I got Covid, a fractured root under a tooth, and tore a muscle in my shoulder, and turns out had a broken rib in my chest. This was bad. Two weeks later Emma went up for a jump at dance and came down very wrong tearing her ACL, meniscus, calf, and quad, while also fracturing her tibia. It was catastrophic.
Suddenly, similar to 2016 when Katie broke her tibia and finger requiring surgery, my business goals didn't matter, couldn't matter.
I found myself ending this year as a real, full time caregiver. I was in charge some days of every single thing Emma needed in addition to all the driving, dropping off, and games. Tim found himself working two full-time jobs because without me being able to work like I normally do, someone had to pay for private school, tuition, and groceries.
Why am I telling you all this now?
Because sometimes if you won't willingly give up everything and pay attention, God will get your attention. I don't think He hurt me or Emma, not at all, but I do know I found myself in a place with no other choice but to depend on Him and Tim. That's it. I couldn't fix it. I couldn't figure this one out on my own. I couldn't just work more or work harder, or go go go. I couldn't. In fact the answer was for me to sit, trust, rest, and pray.
2023 taught me that my kids, my family, they are so much higher on the list of priorities than my business goals. Heck, in 2024, I don't even know that I have any business goals.
I want to help people. That's it. I don't even have the nerve to define what that will look like. God might have me as a photography mentor for the masses; cool I'm here for it. God might send me back to teaching; perfect, let me get my books. God might have me writing a novel; awesome, I love to write. I refuse to walk into 2024 with a vision board showing "This will be the best year ever." Nope, I actually can't control that.
My prayer for 2024 is that I will be wise enough to say less, listen more, and obey quickly and maybe some of you can relate.
Happy New Year Friends
Kelli
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