For years my goal has been to simplify, to slow down.
In 2014, I think, I read the book, "Hands Free Momma," and knew my work/life balance was out of control. I was obsessed with work. Like, 7 days a week obsessed. For years, I never truly took a day off. I remember I would describe my anxiety to Tim like I had ants crawling up my arms. My heart would race as I edited knowing people were waiting on me, disappointed in me, having expectations of me.
Despite knowing I was doing too much, I kept going.
Year after year I would publicly proclaim I would be doing less, but then a beach trip would get planned or Disney or a kid would need braces, so I did what I did best, work. I had fixed all the other problems in my life through work. I am good at work and I like my work so that part was easy but the constant tug on my heart to SLOW DOWN persisted.
I would read women's stories talking about slowing down and simplifying and I would make it my mission. Off to my calendar I would go, crossing off dates and writing in big bold letters, OFF. I truly thought that word was the answer, OFF. Take days OFF - then Kelli you will be more present. Then you will have days of clarity and simplicity. It's all your work's fault that you are feeling overwhelmed and overworked. The thing was, on those days off, I was still left with me.
My efforts wouldn't matter, I would, in a nice blue pen, write my new sessions over the word off and continue. You see the poor girl in me from 2004 would know every time I said no to work, I was saying no to a check and that just wasn't ok in my mind. I also came to realize, I would fill those days off with manic behavior. Cleaning, racing through my house, mad there wasn't a plan for the day, and eventually, working to make that manic feeling subside.
My addiction was work.
What I needed wasn't a day off, what I needed was to be present and I had created a life where I was never, ever present.
Recently a friend said, "I didn't have to present when I was working." LIGHTBULB. That was it. All those years the reason my anxiety was so high and I wasn't feeling much of anything, joy, sadness, happy, peace, anything was because I was highly capable of working just going through the motions. Constantly working, and never even pausing to see what was happening around me.
My mind was searching for peace and knew I needed to be financially comfortable to have that, because I have lived with $25 in my bank account to make it for the week, and let me tell you, that is not peaceful. My heart thought if I just wasn't at work I would have that peace and it wasn't peace I was feeling at work, it was numb.
Since Mamaw died in August of this year, I've been forced to deal with my emotions because they're here. They are right here in front of me every single day.
I've been forced to not be numb. All of September I was forced to not work and if work was where I felt numb, then not at work was where I felt everything. I have felt more deep sadness in the past two months than ever in my life, and it's not just over her death, it's because I'm acknowledging all of it at the same time. I'm recognizing the hurt I went through for year because I'm not numb anymore. When I was surviving my ex with the abuse and the shame of having picked him, I was busy with the survival part, not the feelings part. When I was making it through the food stamps and the working three jobs exhaustion, I wasn't dealing with what that felt like, I was just focused on providing.
Don't fail Kelli - Ok, I'll work. Work will fix the pain. Work will fix the poor. Work will show everyone how capable I am.
Now years later, I'm slowing down to see my life.
Brene Brown writes, "You cannot selectively numb." Meaning, as I was numbing all my hurt by working, working, working, still hustling in survival mode, long after I didn't need to live like that anymore, I was also slowly numbing out the joy, the happy, the peace and certainly the present.
The extra income I now have gave me the courage to say no to the extra sessions, which left me here to live. To breathe. To cry. To see what is around me and you know what, it's pretty darn good.
Dealing with my crap and helped me feel my life again. Three nights ago, I looked at Tim and I saw him.
Only those who have lived like me, moving, working, achieving, proving will likely understand that sentence but it's for you, I am writing.
To you, I say, slowing down doesn't mean you have to stop everything. Feeling and being present doesn't mean you have to clear your calendar (which is literally what I thought).
The key to feeling slow - is feeling.
The key to feeling present - is feeling.
The key to feeling peace - you get it.
To the woman desperately searching for simple, acknowledge your crap first.
To the woman desperately searching for peace, admit the things that sucked.
To the woman racing to a finish line that doesn't exist, you need to know it keeps moving with you. Until you let yourself feel the suck, you'll never feel the present. And friends, life is worth feeling.
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